Things only 38-year-old professors who should be grading exams understand

I am tired of your listicles.

No, I'm not "discovering" that there are no grown-ups, that we're all just faking it. All I ever thought "grown-up" meant was an age, and only the unlucky among us escape aging.

There are no things that "only tall people" will understand. I'm a shortie, but I'm not utterly lacking in empathy. Ditto for birth order, intro/extraversion, people from [place name], and "children of the [decade]."

I'm not even going to bother clicking on something built on gender essentialism or something that forgets gay, queer, or asexual people exist.

I'm tired of reading lists that assume we all have the same life trajectory. Apparently a single, childless, non-home-owning 38-year-old is a freak of nature, just like a 70-year-old who has uncomfortable shoes but no grandchildren.

There are now well over a thousand secrets to happiness. I barely have time to read them all, let alone perform them. The only life hack that has really made a difference for me is opening my bananas from the bottom.

"Look how dumb these people are" is beginning to feel mean, possibly because the same few items appear in them over and over.

Listicles of cute and/or funny animals are okay. I will accept more of those.

I am skilled enough to click on the correct "next page" button instead of a cleverly disguised ad, but I don't like being reminded that I am nothing but a delivery system for ad dollars.

Also not thinking very highly of me are listicles that start off with the assertion that I am spelling words wrong, using near-homonyms of the proper words in trite phrases, or using common household products wrong. Am I supposed to be suspectible to negging?

Your listicle has GIFs from bad television shows in it.

Your argument that [x] is "the best" lacks logical rigor.

I am perpetually slightly dissatisfied. It is never true that there is "no [place, age, life stage] I'd rather be." Get back to me when we have solved world hunger, I ride a winged unicorn, and night cheese firms and tones the buttocks, and I will re-evaluate my stance.

TCB

I got back into town from my Michigan trip about a week ago. (I hesitate to call it a "vacation," as we were gathered for my grandmother's memorial service.) after getting home, I spent five days hibernating and procrastinating. Yes, I left the house to go to the grocery store or capoeira class; yes, I got some work done, but not nearly as much as I should. Mostly, I stared slack-jawed at the internet. I finally got back to being productive Monday.

The question is, why? One, I haven't had any kind of break. Summer might be less work, but it's not zero work, and I haven't taken any kind of vacation that gets me away from responsibilities or even email. Two, I'm slightly more introverted than extroverted, and I've had to do a lot of "on" time lately. Too much emotional labor or face-work (choose your favorite theory). Staring at the internet might be the most pathetic kind of staycation, but I guess my brain finally rebelled and said, "Yo, I'm not doing anything."

There are really only five free days after this semester ends before I have to be here in NYC for the fall semester, and it's dubious as to whether I will manage to actually not be last-minute busy. That keeps me on the go until Thanksgiving, which I have an adventure in mind for (stay tuned). There won't be any weekend trips, because I teach Monday mornings and Friday afternoons. I can't complain, as I chose that schedule, but I don't think I'll do that again in the spring.

It's not that I'm working 80 hours a week - it's just that I can't get a real mental vacation. Again, my own fault. Way to be lame, self.

No, I haven't fallen off a cliff. Or been eaten by a pack of roving zombie zebras. Or been trapped underground by a little-known sect of fanatically religious dwarves.

No, I'm just your standard first-year professor trying to get all her work done. It's only the third week of class, and yet I found myself writing my first exam today. And I'm behind on grading for another class.

I might be a bit scarce in these parts in upcoming weeks. However, my plan is to ruin this weekend by having as little fun as possible, thereby giving myself a little breathing room. We'll see how that works.

The state policy ragtime

Oh why do states do the - things that they do
(when they do)
Is it entrepreneurs - making things diffuse
(what they do)
That make some leaders - and one the caboose!
(why they do)
Traditionalist - or moralist
(when they do)
Elitist - or pluralist
(what they do)
Check with a - policy analyst
(why they do)
Just not a - systems theorist!

Oh they do they do they do
Punc - tu - a - ted
Equilibria!
(oh they do they do they do)
Streams and windows and
An agenda!
(oh they do they do they do)
Is your legislature - professionalized?
Is your governor - empowerized?
No matter, your state will do
The thing all states do -
when they do they things they dooooo
(when they do them!)


(Why, yes, I have been reading Pynchon lately. Why do you ask?)