Friday, December 12, 2014

Things only 38-year-old professors who should be grading exams understand

I am tired of your listicles.

No, I'm not "discovering" that there are no grown-ups, that we're all just faking it. All I ever thought "grown-up" meant was an age, and only the unlucky among us escape aging.

There are no things that "only tall people" will understand. I'm a shortie, but I'm not utterly lacking in empathy. Ditto for birth order, intro/extraversion, people from [place name], and "children of the [decade]."

I'm not even going to bother clicking on something built on gender essentialism or something that forgets gay, queer, or asexual people exist.

I'm tired of reading lists that assume we all have the same life trajectory. Apparently a single, childless, non-home-owning 38-year-old is a freak of nature, just like a 70-year-old who has uncomfortable shoes but no grandchildren.

There are now well over a thousand secrets to happiness. I barely have time to read them all, let alone perform them. The only life hack that has really made a difference for me is opening my bananas from the bottom.

"Look how dumb these people are" is beginning to feel mean, possibly because the same few items appear in them over and over.

Listicles of cute and/or funny animals are okay. I will accept more of those.

I am skilled enough to click on the correct "next page" button instead of a cleverly disguised ad, but I don't like being reminded that I am nothing but a delivery system for ad dollars.

Also not thinking very highly of me are listicles that start off with the assertion that I am spelling words wrong, using near-homonyms of the proper words in trite phrases, or using common household products wrong. Am I supposed to be suspectible to negging?

Your listicle has GIFs from bad television shows in it.

Your argument that [x] is "the best" lacks logical rigor.

I am perpetually slightly dissatisfied. It is never true that there is "no [place, age, life stage] I'd rather be." Get back to me when we have solved world hunger, I ride a winged unicorn, and night cheese firms and tones the buttocks, and I will re-evaluate my stance.

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